Haven't written anything for quite a few days and also have been living away from Internet for some time.  Not too bad indeed, had some good drinks (Cider is my new friend for bar time and now I am able to keep comfortable distance from Guinness since loads of people don't like it too much either) and watched some heart-breaking games, consuming a lot more than usual crisps and creamy soup and therefore expecting my weight gaining ambitions to move forward optimistically... Also went to swim with lovely Lillian yesterday, jealous of her smooth tender skin and had way lot more chatting in pool than swimming :-)

Well, what droves me come back to write here (taking off my precious lunch break time in office~~) was actually due to a question I was thinking about last night.

I happened to hear from friends that a guy here we all knew well of, actually who often hang out with us (the Chinese pals and gals in our programme, not me though), has been doing the cigarette smuggling from China to Northern Ireland and making big money out of it.  His relatives in China working closely with Customs Office and his student identification here provided best security for this illegal business and his personal safety from legal authorities on both sides.  He told us that recently one batch of cigarette was unfortunately caught by the Northern Ireland customs and police and caused some loss to him.  But because he was "smart" enough not to put his own name, of course he wouldn't have done things that silly for any successful illegal business, on any documents involved in the smuggling transactions, although he himself was indeed the first and also the only wholesaler of Chinese cigarette to resale to the retailers in Northern Ireland, there is no real danger for him to be traced by the local police.  (It is common sense that higher-level wholesalers often hide deeper than retailer and have way less chance to be exposed in market)

No question about the fact and this person.  But certainly I won't disclose more details here on this blog in any ways.

Now it is clear that indeed there is an acquaintance being a criminal close to us.  Nobody would argue I believe that smuggling is not a serious offence of laws, especially when the goods are cigarette.  (FYI. the price of cigarette in Northern Ireland local market is incredibly high, which I am actually very happy about.)  However, what will you do if you are under this circumstance?

What we should do and what we would do are often two different questions for most people in many cases, and I believe this is perhaps exactly one of them.  But isn't it disappointing and sad for anyone who have a clear awareness of the social responsibility or citizenship and also hold a upright expectation for a society of justice?

Would you report it to the authority in "sacrifice" of personal relationship and perhaps even worse, despite other friends' misunderstanding and mistrust of you in the future if they hear of the whole thing?  I believe most people would indeed face such challenges from others among them, that why you did this and what benefit you expect from the government for doing this, and certainly most people wouldn't do the same at all, and what they would do instead is perhaps keeping distance from those who do it and seeing them with a suspicious and even hostile look rather than giving them a credit for guarding social justice.

And among all the reasons backing up the "common choice", the most convincing one is perhaps, that who cares about someone else making money from smuggling (which even provide cheaper cigarette from China for those in need)!

Who cares?  The answer would involve economics and international politics as well.  I don't think many people would have the interest and patience to sit down and listen from the very bottom of the theories.  But isn't it at the same time necessary for a citizen to understand why some behaviours (murder or smuggling) are sentenced to be against the law for righteous reasons and how do they eventually harm the benefit of most people in this society?  If we call for people's critical thinking of the social issues and claim that we shall promote citizen's critical view of any authorities rather than blindly accepting them which ultimately lead to or reinforce dictatorship as apposed to democracy, we shall certainly promote people's understanding of what and why being illegal for good reasons, aren't we?

Then back to the individual, suppose, which might very possibly be true in fact I must say, that smuggling is indeed causing more harm than benefit to every one of us in society ultimately and therefore should be well justified illegal behaviour and serious crime, why do so many people instinctively choose to not care about it?

If the guy beside you is a murderer whom you just found out have killed a person in neighbourhood, despite he is an acquaintance of yours, you won't hesitate to report it to the local police at all, will you?  And I believe, knowing him well and realising a criminal is so close to you will even give you more encouragement, out of self-protection purpose, to report the case as soon as you can.

But why we choose different attitude toward a crime of murder and smuggling?  Why we have so many irrational stereotypes for social concepts like "crime"?

This guy is leaving UK for China in weeks.  The page of his personal story about committing offence of smuggling might be turned over permanently in week’s time.  But the question that I cast on myself and found among others in this society will forever be a question and haunting ourselves forever.  If a society is built up by everyone in it, there are some changes that must be made from every one themselvesin order to make any difference in the society.  Government has its responsibility to improve and promote people's understanding and awareness of the laws and regulations imposed upon them, meanwhile sometimes it's not really about the difficulty to understand, but about the willingness to face the dilemma and take position on a solid ground for the sake of righteousness and less "visible" benefit for self and others.

Between the movies, I wandered through my old documents in computer.

Some old pieces of words captured me.

Oh, that was me.  That was indeed me!  I have had that lovely soul in pure lovely words, and that was me, in honesty.

I like some of my sentences so much that I hope they are still part of me.  I hope they are like magic springs that never need to worry about drain.

I lost somethings.

They must be some price I pay for the new things ahead.  It just takes time to see what this deal is really about.  And that's life, isn't it?

Among those I gave away, I am missing the most of my smiles.

Have you ever got tired of your own smiles?  I did.  Occasionally.  Perhaps because I smiled almost all the time, and I saw my own smiles in almost every pictures of mine, not too surprisingly occasionally I told myself to hold back the smile for a while and give some fresh looking to the camera.

But now I wish I never did that, never letting any chances of smiling to the world go.

Because now, smile is such a difficult thing for me to do.  Physically impossible.

It's shocking and pathetic to look at my own face in the mirror twisting ugly simply endeavour to make an expression called smile.  Some muscles on my face must hate the others very much that they behave as if naughty and troublesome little brothers playing tricks with their more obedient and easygoing elder siblings.

Chicken pox changes my face a little bit, but I am not too worried about that, because I know a pretty face win less hearts than a happy face.

But now, am I losing my smiles too?  Aside from speaking completely easily and freely?

Little mermaid gave away her beautiful voice for a pairs of legs.  But I often thought to myself, while reading that part, that luckily our little mermaid still had her angelic face, and she could totally make her Prince hear all her affection, love and sadness just through her body language and her very expressive and touching looking on her face, once she could walk to him with the legs she was given.

Now I miss my smile.  I miss all the time when I can not only smile in my heart but also make people around me affected by my joyful spirit.

Crying is so easy for me, too easy that my tears will just naturally come down if I don't use my fingers to close my right eye once every five minutes.  But I don't want to cry.  I want to smile, to show off the last possession of mine left and hidden in my heart.  Oh my beautiful world, let my courage and emotions have a last exit to scream to the outside world please!

Smile, everybody.  Be generous with your laughs and smiles.  It's the ability that are borne to be used like talking, walking and breathing.  Don't keep it until you lose it.

010406

It's April Fool's Day.  Another joke of life happens on me today.

Doctor spent almost 10 minutes looking into some medical reference books (looks very much like dictionaries with index attached) and then told me it was either Bell's palsy or Ramsey Hunt syndrome, which have identical symptoms of facial weakness but the latter has more relevance to shingles or chicken pox while often accompanied by the ear pain which strangely I don't have.

Ironically, Bell's palsy didn't ring a bell for me at all because I had never heard of the word of palsy, until several hours later I checked the dictionary on my computer back at home.  I did know the word of syndrome, but Ramsey Hunt syndrome tells no more than anything like Tom or John's disease.

At the moment of writing this diary, I have not internet access still.  Therefore I have no way to know or say anything more than my problem.  All I have known about it were from the book Erin lent me, their medical student reference book, where about twenty lines of sentences were used to describe the symptoms and possible treatment of these two neurological diseases, which was exactly the same reference resources of the doctor who gave me the prescription.

Anyways, now my everyday life is simplified to the very extent of two themes: live and medicine.  I finally understand why in IKEA there was a tiny tool sold at the amazing price of  nearly 5 sterling pounds called tablet timer reminder, which I previously considered as a joke of typical western excessive inventer-mania.  It can be really useful, now I finally understand, if you have to take some tablets once every three hours and at the same time lazy enough to hate to be bothered by adjusting your normal alarm clock 7 times a day.  I find myself not only a diligent student, a workaholic sometimes in office, but also a diligent alarm clock game counterpart...

My right side of face can feel everything and deliver every information it receives to my dear sensitive brain; however my brain can't do the same things to my right side of my face now.

It's a good chance for science discoveries though.  I had never realised how many different kinds of slight or easy movements actually require the co-operation of facial muscles.  Such as drinking.  You perhaps think as I did before that the action of drinking needs only the mouth and tongue to move easily, and the water will drop into your stomach through throat like a waterfall falling into a pool.  But now I can tell you human organs are so amazing that even that two second action of drinking takes a lot of more complicated works on your face!  No active participation of cheek muscles, no siphonic conditions created in mouth, no drink!

It's probably easier to understand the influence on speaking.  Well, basically I can still speak and talk with people, but certain words, pronunciations I have to struggle on now.  I finally have some stylish elements of some comedians now, in talking.  Such slight deficit in speculation can be quite amusing if you can catch it and know how to enjoy it.

The disease, I don't know how to name it yet, also causes the ageusia on most part of my tongue.  From a positive aspect of view, many might consider it not a tragedy but a fortunate thing to lose your great taste of food when you are put, without choices but to stay, on the land of UK.  So now not only lack of varieties of cheeses no longer make any differences to me, but even my occasion absence of mind during cooking time can be completely ignored and forgiven, since now that with or without salt or certain cooking sauces deliver all the same level of enjoyment to my taste buds, who cares!

On the way to the out-of-hours emergency health service centre in suburban Belfast in Erin's car, my tears fell off my cheeks, not purely because of losing control of my right eyelids and tear duct this time, but because of being hit by the beauty of nature.  Yes, it's really spring now.  Spring comes to the lawn, to the bushes, to the starry wild flowers embellished here and there on this piece of pure land.  Clear orange sunshine throws a shower to all the creatures beneath her sleeves, steams the fresh smells of all natural mixtures of mellow air, earth, grass and raindrops.  Trees and flowers that I can or cannot tell the name of all look spirited and happy, stretching their body and fingers to reach the sunshine and touch the blue sky.  Soft and white cloud ladies are dancing with the melody of heavenly spring, sliding in smooth steps under the beautiful shades of their ever-changing fashionable hoopskirt with cascades.

Rushing between office and classrooms or cooking and learning at home in Wellesley Anenue may forever keep me away from this stunning beautiful spring time.  Who said if material world can't guarantee equality to everyone but at least our Mother of Nature could?  Goddess of Spring obviously sets her steps more generously on the part of her realm where our earth people can only access with more spare time and help of vehicles.

When I am still troubled by chilly nights and excessive air humidity thus painfully in need of heater and tumbler under and around our black, white and grey roofs in some corner of the city, warm and colourful spring has already rooted in the country of 15 minutes driving distance!

I have to stop here.  Need a new tape to paste on my right eye to keep my eyelids closed.

Steps

1. Ask the important questions at the onset, to make sure you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line.
   
   
   • Will you be dating others and will you tell each other about your other dates?
   • Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?
2. Communicate in some way every day - more than once if possible. Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't have to be long, in-depth conversations (though those should occur sometimes). Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Sing songs together. Use an instant messenger program or VoIP for real-time chat, or webcams for that visual connection. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget. Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality. You may discover an advantage over others whose partner is close at hand - you don't take communication for granted!
3. Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, no arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, etc. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.
4. Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while on you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.
5. Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match - or someone else is a better match - your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You are going to have to trust each completely if this relationship is going to work.
6. Talk about your future together. Assuming that ultimately you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.
7. Know when to say good-bye. While this is tough in any relationship, this can be especially hard over long distances. When communication becomes one-sided or sparse for too long and for no apparent reason, when arguments (yes, you'll have them) become too frequent, when the whole thing just seems like more trouble than it's worth, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. Either you'll decide to go your separate ways, or you'll get closer for having overcome another obstacle to your happiness together.

Tips

• A long distance relationship is no different from a proximal relationship in that they both require a great deal of work, excellent communication, patience, sacrifice and understanding. But you will have to work extra hard to maintain the communication and to stay focused enough to not let your daily life interfere with your desire to be with the other person. Don't forget them or you can forget the relationship.
• One of the hardest parts of a long distance relationship is connecting when one person gets busier than the other. If this happens in a relationship it is important to maintain communication. If you are the busy person, try to warn your partner ahead of time that you will be working many hours and may have limited time. If you are the not-as-busy person, take advantage of the time by picking up a new hobby, getting in shape, reading a new book, etc. Flexibility is very important.
• It helps to have a solid time in the future for when the long distance part of the relationship will end, no matter the time length. Without it, the relationship can begin to mold into something that is always distant - even with great communication. With it, potentially each person can see the point at which the distance will end and work harder to keep emotions readily available.
• When talking to your partner, take note of things they enjoy the most (hobbies, day-to-day activities, etc...) and do a little research on it so you have more to do when you see them next. For example: If your partner likes to dance, find the location of different clubs where you will see them next. If you don't know how to dance, take lessons and you will impress them by your willingness to make an effort on their behalf.
• Use your cell phone to call, after 9 you have unlimited hours. If you do not have a cell phone, then buy a 500 hour calling card.
• Buy a Scrabble game that you can play together, you on your end, and your partner on him/hers. You will be able to chat while playing and it will give a greater feeling of togetherness. If Scrabble is not your interest, find other games that can be played by two via the Internet.
• Send each other spontaneous ecards.
• Make a creative countdown (ie: photo calendar, a drawing for each day showing another thing you love about the person) and mail it to your partner to enjoy until you see each other next
• Do not set unreasonable expectations for your visit. Fantasizing about the visit is fine, but not outloud or by email to your partner. Instead, enjoy the excitement of the surprises to come.

Warnings

• Long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart. They can be very trying - but so can proximal relationships. If you are a very needy or jealous person, recognize that these tendencies may not be compatible with any type of healthy relationship, but may make a long distance relationship nearly impossible to sustain.
• Remember that only you and your long distance partner understand the nuances of your relationship. Friends, family and colleagues may not understand your preoccupation with someone they have never met or rarely meet. Listen to their advice with a grain of salt unless they have been there themselves.